Instant Turd

Interesting factoid: You can, technically, make chocolate cake in a coffee mug.

Another factoid: You shouldn't.

I found this recipe on http://baconconcentrate.blogspot.com/ via the serious eats photograzing site (highly recommended). I decided to try it out, but didn't take picture, because, honestly, it sucked. I could barely taste any chocolate at all, and it was freakishly dense. It was like eating a brick-sponge hybrid. That didn't taste like chocolate. Here's the recipe anyway! You love it.

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug

Mix dry ingredients in the coffee mug, then add milk, oil, egg and vanilla. Mix together and microwave for 2.5 minutes. Take what you will from this experience.

My Very Favorite Sandwich

The world of the vegetarian sandwich is a cold, desolate one. It seems to me that practcally every sandwich out there involves some sort of meat, and those that don't are composed mostly of lettuce. This is my effort to absolve this travesty of the sandwich universe. This isn't really a recipe, so I'm just going to give it to you straight.

Fill a pan with a little bit of olive oil or Canola oil. Oh, and make sure your stove is nice and dirty and your camera is broken, or this sandwich will be ruined. JUST KIDDING, ha ha, I'm not bitter. Slice up an onion by first cutting it in half to remove the outer papery layer, then resting it on its flat side and cutting down its length. Throw as much onion as you want into the pot; for one sandwich, a quarter of an onion will more than suffice, usually. Let the onion sizzle for a few minutes, depending on how soft you like your sauteed onions. I like mine nice and soft and brown and caramelized, which is why I put them in a good three or four minutes before the mushrooms.

While the onions are cooking, slice up your mushrooms. I like to use baby bellas. I lop of the tough stems and just give them a nice chop into three or four pieces each. Throw these in the pan with the onions. Toss this around a little in the pan and douse generously with salt and pepper. I also like to use garlic powder. Why? Because it is cheaper than whole garlic and a little goes a long way. Also I am lazy.

While the veggies are sauteeing, throw a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster, BUT FIRST, put a slice of cheese on one piece of bread. (I just do the toaster bit so the bread will hold up the sandwich better, and so the cheese will melt.) When the bread comes out of the toaster, butter the slice that doesn't have cheese on it. Why? Because you know you want to.

By now the onions and mushrooms should be ready. They will have cooked down quite a lot: The onions will be brown and translucent, and the mushrooms will be a deep sienna.

Dump as much oniony, mushroomy goodness as you possibly can onto your bread and close up thy sammich. That's about it. Toodle-oo.

p.s. It tastes better if you cut it diagonally. TELL ME I'M WRONG.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

A couple of weeks ago, my dear friend Anna and I were out getting a quick lunch together. We both ordered the same thing: a spinach and feta wrap from our favorite gyro place. As she adorned her wrap with the contents of the ranch dressing packet that accompanied her wrap, I ignored mine completely and began eating.

"What, you're not going to put any ranch on your wrap?"
"No."
"Why not? It must be kinda bland without it."
"Condiments are the spawn of Lucifer."

She slowly lowered her wrap from her incredulous face, gaping at me as though I had just told her that Leonard Nimoy is the second coming.

"...Are.. you... insane."

But let me tell you something right now. I am not insane. Why not? Because CONDIMENTS ARE FROM THE FIERY, SULFUROUS UNDERWORLD. I hate condiments. All of them. Ketchup? Gag me. Mayonnaise? I would rather eat Madonna's pussy. Mustard? Only in very small quantities hidden in my egg salad. Condiments are disgusting. They mar the beauteous quality of any food they come into contact with. I hate condiments. WHO'S WITH ME.

In a similar vein, I am a bit of a purist when it comes to some foods. (By "purist" some might say I mean "insufferable snob", but hey, that's on them.) Take, for instance, the raspberry.

Would you just look at that? Some people would look at this gem of nature and think: "Jam! Cookies! Cobbler!"

Not me. Friends, this is how I have always and will always eat a raspberry:

1. Rinse thoroughly to remove any unwanted guests of the insect variety that may be cuddling inside my raspberry's luscious interior.

2. Pick up berry. DO NOT POP IN MOUTH. Instead, hold up for just a moment in the sunlight. Admire the way the water droplets shimmer enticingly on the rotund crimson bubbles of the raspberry's exterior. Feast your eyes upon the tiny iridescent hairs that sprout innocently from the cracks in the berry's flesh.

3. Now, place in mouth. Slowly. Close eyes, if not driving heavy machinery. Focus on nothing more than the burst of sweet, summery juice inside one's mouth (ooer) and heave a great sigh of content.

4. Repeat.

In case you hadn't noticed, I fucking love raspberries. They're awesome, and I scorn anyone who maintains that a few cups of sugar and a 350 degree oven will improve their inborn awesomeness. Class dismissed.

p.s. By the way, this blog is hereby officially rated R. R for recipe-tastic! Oh and I also swear a lot.

Bailey's Irish Cream Mint Chocolate Cupcakes

You heard me.

My boyfriend likes to make houseguests think I am an alcoholic by buying large quantities of girly liqueurs and not drinking them, ever. So I stole his Mint Chocolate Bailey's Irish Cream and made cupcakes with it. Oh yes. And so should you.



I adapted the recipe from http://www.bakingbites.com/.



Bailey's Mint Chocolate Irish Cream Cupcakes with Bailey's Frosting



1 1/3 cups all purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/3 cup butter, softened

3/4 cup sugar

2 large eggs

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup Chocolate Mint Bailey’s Irish Cream (or regular Bailey’s + 1/2 tsp peppermint extract)1/4 cup milk

1/2 cup Hershey's Cocoa



Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a mixing bowl, whisk together the dry ingredients (the flour, baking powder and soda, salt, sugar, and cocoa). In another bowl, beat together the softened butter, eggs, vanilla, milk, and the Bailey's. Or you can be lazy like me and do it all on one bowl, wet ingredients first. Pour the batter ino muffin tins lines with cupcake wrappers and bake for 12-14 minutes.



While the cupcakes are baking, you can make your frosting. Nicole from Baking Bites goes the homemade route. Here's her frosting recipe:



4 tbsp butter, softened

2 cups confectioners’ sugar

2 tbsp milk or cream

1 tsp peppermint extract


But I'll be honest with you: I took a container of store-bought white frosting and mixed in Bailey's and cocoa. How much cocoa? Until it looked chocolatey. How much Bailey's? Until it looked dangerously thin. God, I'm such a cheat. It's almost too easy.



My one complaint with these cupcakes was that they were a little dense; I was hoping for a lighter, fluffier cupcake. Does anyone have any tips?

The Method Behind the Madness

You know it's been a hectic week when I whip out my secret weapon.

Which is this:

I go through and make a list of every major ingredient we have in the house. This means things like bisquick, tomatoes, marmalade, etc. This does not include things like salt, breadcrumbs, and other piffling little details. I then take a long, hard look at my life - er, the list, and match things up to form recipes. This is how I wring out the last semblance of a meal from unlikely ingredients. I hate to have extra food sitting around that I know I will never use. For instance, here is this week's list:

-Baking ingredients: flour, bisquick, sugar, vanilla, heavy cream - only 2 eggs though!
-Main dish potentials: pasta and sauce, fake hamburger, box mashed potatoes, spanish rice
-Condiments: mayonnaise, mustard, soy sauce, hot sauce
-Produce: 1/4 tomato, 2 green peppers, some v. old apples/oranges
-Canned: refried beans, peaches, chickpeas
-Snacks: pickles, granola, individually wrapped cheese
-Junk food: popsicles, chocolate lollipops

No, I didn't forget to write down bread or milk. We just don't have them. The Good Lord help us.

I have many intriguing photos to share, but sadly, I need to use up the film in my camera before I can do so. Toodle-oo.

p.s. Just walked out into the kitchen and found an empty pot of frosting with a spoon atop it. Has my man really sunk that low? Tune in next week to find out.

Homemade Pasta

OK, so I tried an experiment today, but no pics. I stole a recipe for homemade pasta from The Pioneer Woman, a.k.a. Ree Drummond, a.k.a. the most hilarious woman in the world. She used two eggs per cup of flour. So I kneaded the dough until it was smooth, then cut it into thin strips with a knife. The recipe said to boil the noodles for no longer than two minutes, but I found that they were still far too hard until about eight minutes in.

I didn't take any pictures, mostly because the noodles were freakin' ugly, man, but also because I was hungry. They were pretty good, but I'll be perfectly honest - they weren't much better than regular old dried, boxed pasta. I think their texture was a little more pleasing to the mouth, but that's about it.

THIS JUST IN: I have bought measuring cups, I repeat, IN POSSESSION OF MEASURING CUPS. Life is good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLMNZ6xY6YY

This WILL make you pee laughing. Embrace it.

p.s. Has anyone ever heard of this canned frosting on saltines thing? Apparently it's a popular snack... as in more than one person has tried it. And liked it. Let me clear something up right now: These people are deranged. I had some frosting left over from making cupcakes (more on those later) so I tried it... it was every bit as unpleasant as I had anticipated. Good day.